Monday, May 2, 2011

Right Now

I received word today that I was not selected for the job I had been hoping for.

I was thinking of using this opportunity to write about being hopeful and being excited about my future. I usually operate in a Pollyanna-esque manner, always looking for the silver linings of things. "Don't look behind you, for you might fall over what is in front of you" But then I thought I should probably be thinking more about my todays. I do it all the time: I get so focused on my future that I forget my now.

So RIGHT NOW I am sitting in my dining room, jamming to some tunes on my iPod. My mother and grandmother are in the other room watching "Dancing with the Stars." My lungs are on fire when I breathe in and feel like they get filled with lead with each breath out. I have an imaginary clamp compressing my head. My eyes sting a little from the tears I shed earlier. I am surrounded my opened books and highlighted articles, reminding me that regardless of how I feel, I still have a thesis to finish. I am so close to finishing the stupid thing.

RIGHT NOW I am disappointed in not being offered the job. I am a little disheartened because of how close I was to the position and how confident I felt about the position. I am frustrated because I know I will do a good job wherever I go, I just need someone to hire me. I even feel a little crushed that I wasn't chosen. They call that "pride." I want to shake my fist at the sky. Why? Well, just because. I am allowed to be upset.

RIGHT NOW I think I am also surprised that I am not as upset about the "loss" as I thought I would be. I am at peace with the decision because I trust that my life is in the Hands of the Lord, my God. And if I don't want to be called a liar, I have to actually trust (and not just say it). They call that "faith." This is the hard part.

There is a time for everything. The Byrds sing the passage best, "To everything, turn turn turn, there is a season, turn turn tun." Later in Ecclesiastes: "He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." I think I sense that eternity right now. I know that in the long run, I will look back over my life and barely remember today's down when I see all the other ups throughout my time on Earth. So I take a minute to acknowledge today's grief and embrace this season of my life. Even if it isn't the most pleasant of seasons.


Liz said...

everything will work out the way it should be. I needed to be reminded of that several times-- you will end up exactly where you're supposed to be. Have faith. :)

Bethany Hall said...

God always opens a window when the door you most wanted to open is closed. It took me several years of jumping through windows before the right door would open when it was supposed to open for me.