Tuesday, May 31, 2011

another mental bump in the road

I feel like I don't have anything to complain about. I am breathing. I have a roof over my head. I have a job. But I also have frustrations. So this is not me complaining, this is just me jotting down my frustrations.

My professor's indications that she lacks faith in my ability to graduate in August plummeted me into three days of self-pity. I could not muster even the slightest energy to write after my long days at work. Looooooooooooong days at work.

So here I sit, with a new motivation to write. I have rewritten 3/4ths of an entire chapter over the course of my first day off in over a week. Go me. But at this moment, I lost my motivation again. I think it is the tedium of this process. And the fact that I think what I am doing is stupid. And that little nagging thought that reminds me "if only you ran with the non-thesis track, you would be done by now!" I don't like being told that my work is not good enough. I expected levels of revisions with my writing, it is part of the process. But a complete overhaul might be a bit extreme.

I also know that I disagree with some of what my thesis advisor wants me to write. So I won't do it. This may turn into a battle of wills, but I am not publishing something if I don't agree with it. That don't make no sense. But I will fight until the bitter end to graduate in August. I can't keep doing this.

So now I am trying to pump myself up. You can do this! You may have picked an insane professor to work under, but you will conquer this road! Soon you will be free to do whateverthehell you want! Come on now.

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