Decisions, decisions, decisions...

How bad is it that I am trying to pick out where I am staying when I visit Crater Lake next month based entirely on whether or not the hotel/motel/bed & breakfast has HBO? Don't give me that look- that first night is when "The Pacific" airs.

hmmm...

I have recently received a number of comments on my posts from people I don't know. Several are in different letters (one is in different characters...). I believe that's called "spam." And it must stop. Hmm.

In other news, I am very tired. I goofed off quite a bit last week (but had fun doing it). And many of our Spring projects are gearing up at the park, i.e., keeping us busy. I'd say it is keeping me out of trouble, but that's hardly true.

The hours of my day fly by. I don't believe the word for what I do should be "work." I like it too much to be "work." This weekend (and next) I am going to take the wildland fire training. I am stoked. I will also have to take a pack test to be certified, but I ain't skeered. Bring on the training, I'll be just as good as the boys. I'll try to be, anyway.

just a stretch (for my fingers)

As the weather is not good anywhere within a 2-hour driving radius from here, I did not take any type of road trip as I had hoped. Maybe early March. Instead, I went to the gym, did some household chores (woo), and sat down to address what I need to do for my (you guessed it) thesis.

My thesis advisor gave me a book to use as an example for my writing (specifically, the parts relating to cultural landscapes). I have skimmed over it, will read its entirety soon, but am a little befuddled. I think my advisor's vision and my vision of my thesis differ. That intimidates me a little. So, I guess I will just go forth with what I have laid out and see how she responds. Today and tomorrow will essentially be the last two days for the next two weeks that I have time to write. I will spend the next two weekends taking S-130 and S-190 wildland firefighting training at work, on top of my regular three-day a week schedule (plus my 10+ hours of babysitting). Writing will be far from my mind after work for the next two weeks (if my mind is even functioning after work on those days).

Good news, though. I had a spectacular week (for no reason in particular) and am enjoying where I am right now. So my "struggle" in school is just forcing myself to stay in front of the computer and write. I am definitely not struggling with being here right now. And that's a good thing.

No Rhyme or Reason

So I sat down and wrote two pages for a chapter of my thesis. Just like that. I don't know why, I just did. So now I am off to bed so I can get out of bed at 5 and go for a run.

The weather outside was frightful... now it is just pretty

We got snowed in on Friday. Then it sleeted, rained, and froze, making Murfreesboro a large ice kingdom on Saturday. Today the sun is shining and I can hear the constant drip sounds of the snow melting. It's pretty awesome

Reason #2: Look What I Can Do

You know those little guys depicted in cartoons who wage war on an individual's shoulders? Like this:


I feel like that whenever I am trying to talk myself into working on my thesis. I not only lack motivation to finish, I practically have incentive to stay and work on this for a while, yet. It looks like my position will be transferred into a SCEP position, meaning I get health and life insurance and am career-condition upon my graduation (i.e., if a permanent position opened up, I would be eligible). So, hmmm, what do I want to do? I love my job, I like where I live, and I want to grow some vegetables in a small garden. If I stay, I can do these things, but if I stay I must remain a student. So where is the motivation to write?

I have also applied to some other term/temp jobs elsewhere. If I get offered one, I will seriously consider moving (because I love to see and experience new places!). And while technically I don't need a degree for those, I will want to be finished so I won't have anything hanging over my head. So there is a possible motivation to write. Choices, choices.

I think I am going to have to be like Kronk: "Listen guys, you are sort of confusing me, so be gone or whatever I need to say to get rid of you." Maybe I will just stop thinking, wait it out, and things will resolve themselves?

I just noticed

A typographical error two posts ago. I'll blame it on my braindead-ness that day. I have know excuse today.

As I Lay Dying

Ok, I am not really dying. And Faulkner has little to do with my life currently. But trying to write this stupid thesis is sucking me dry. I think I am what "they" call "burnt out." I put so much into the last two and a half years of school, that I have little left for these last dwindling months. I can't do anything else, because I have a guilty feeling hanging over my head that what I should be doing is writing.

So I sit here, writing a blog post instead. Maybe this will help, a warm up for my fingers, a stretch for my brain. Or maybe I am what "they" call "procrastinating." I struggle with finishing in a timely manner- mostly because I don't have to. If I want to stay at Stones River, I need to remain a student. I applied to a number of jobs at big parks in a big state (the AK), but I don't need to graduate to get those jobs. If I am even selected. I will be graduated by August, but I need to finish this stupid thesis first. I have got to face my obligations like a grown up and force myself to complete this last piece before graduation.

And I've already tried to talk myself into it. "This is it, this is all I have left." "You've come so far! Just a little bit more!" "Heck, it is only like two more papers." "Just do it." I guess the Nike approach will have to do. Just do it.

A Job Well Done

As I sit hear, reeking of sweat and mud, I feel a mixture of pride, exhaustion, and accomplishment swirling within me. I have been the coordinator for an Eagle Scout at the battlefield. He has been planning this project since the end of July. This past Saturday was the last of three Saturdays he has had his volunteer crew out to help replace a portion of fence outside the visitor center. I am proud of him- he had enough hours to officially have earned his project last month, but still had a stretch of fence to finish. He could have called it quits and said he did enough, but he came back and finished.

For someone with little to no upper-body strength, I have a hard time with most manual labor. I helped where I could, but the mud (very sticky, heavy, water-saturated mud), made any efforts three times as difficult. My "team" comprised me, an awkward thirteen-year-old who insisted on telling the same lame earthworm jokes, and the scout's little sister who didn't feel like she had to work since she was just a sister. I choked on a tall order of patience and we ploughed through digging holes and setting up fence posts at our own (slow) rate. The teams worked according to their ability and we finished the project by noon.

It is amazing how mentally exhausting physical exertion can be. I sit here, my hands still smelling of leather, more hair whisping out of my braid than tucked in, hoping somebody will come along and carry me to the shower for I don't have the strength to get there myself. I have to work this afternoon! And by "work," I mean "write." Ugh. I hate school. I just want to be a park ranger and move along with life.

Ruins Provide Incentive

"But there has to be that interval of neglect, there has to be discontinuity; it is religiously and artistically essential. That is what I mean when I refer to the necessity for ruins: ruins provide the incentive to restoration, and for a return to origins. There has to be (in our new concept of history) an interim of death or rejection before there can be renewal and reform." J.B. Jackson, The Necessity for Ruins

Just a little snippet of what I've been reading for my thesis. I like chewing on this thought, though.